Babies!

Now that I have been married for a while the question I get is, "When are you two going to have kids?" That is a very loaded question. 

First, it assumes we actually want to have children. With all the factors we have facing us the prospect of just passing on our genes and this world to the next generation is just frightening. Second, We are also rather old to start a family.  At 40 our children would have parents as old as their peer's grandparents.  I am not sure I want to be 60 and worry about lil Xenia staying out past curfew with her girlfriend. Lastly, with work schedules we have, we don't have the time for a child.

There is a large part of me that just refuses the idea of children.  I never wanted Kids. They  are like dogs but worse.  A dog will sleep most of the day and really only bother you when it is dinner time or time to go out.  A Kid requires constant attention. You need to feed and clean and entertain them 24/7 for the first few years.  Then when they are old enough to do things on their own you have to watch them to make sure that they are staying out of trouble.  It is more than a full time job.  So, 99% of me says no kids.

Then there is that measly 1%...

That evil, sneaky, tricksy, 1%...

It whispers softly in my ear every time I see a cute kid.  It stabs me in the heart when I get to play with a friend's kid. Every time I look at my wife it pulls at the strings and says don't you want a little Diana running around?

So, I joke about it.  Talk about what are kids would be like.  Pick out crazy names for our future Children. Laugh and kid Diana when we see miss behaving children and say that would be our kid. There is a saying "Behind every joke there is a grain of truth." It has never been so true as now.

I kid and joke but, If I know my wife, she is struggling with this just as much as I am.  I think my coping mechanism is hurting her and for this I am sorry. The last thing I want to do is rub in the fact that we don't have the thing we secretly long for.  As Human we there is a basic primal desire to create a new life.  To pass along our story and to continue our legacy.

I know I should be going forth and procreating but isn't it to late for me?  All I know is there is a part of me that wants to play legos with my child. Hold her and raise her and make her the best she can be. In the end, it is that part that lets a tear go when I see those happy kids in church.

Is God telling me something? We shall see...