Blessed

Time flies when you are having fun.  If you look away for what seems to be a second years have gone by.  I still think of my self as that shy kid that doesn't want to do anything and is content living out his life in this small town.  Still living with his mom, living paycheck to paycheck not looking past the weekend.  Then I realize that man-child no longer exists.  Sure I still play games and look forward to the weekend but my life has changed.

My Wife

As my wife has pointed out, it has been some time since I created a post here.  It is odd how life can seem full and exhausting while I still feel that not much has happened.

My life is very busy,  I spend most of my day either driving or working.  I have to cram my life into the evenings where I can watch a movie, do some hobby work, or do the dreaded homework. I do these things with my lovely wife at my side.

God bless this woman.  She is my rock in the storm.  She always listens to me.  Whether it is a crazy dream, a problem at work, an battle report, or just a stupid, groan worthy pun.  I have not had anyone in my life that would give me such attention.  She helps me quell my fears, she takes worries away so I can relax, and best of all she is someone I can be silly with.

We have so many inside jokes. With just a glance from me we both know what the other is thinking and we start giggling.  It is strange how much we think alike.  I will get an idea and before I even can tell her she is telling me the same idea. It is incredible.

I know I owe her a bunch of foot rubs.  I don't know what my life would be without her.  I do know that with her I can do almost anything.

Love ya honey.

Year two!

That's right! I blink and it is year two.  It is amazing how life just zooms on past not letting you catch your breath.

Babies!

Now that I have been married for a while the question I get is, "When are you two going to have kids?" That is a very loaded question. 

Where is the Passion?

After a month of being here in DC, I took a step back and looked at the life that we are living here.  We both are working out of the home.  Nights are generally eat supper, watch some TV, head to bed.  Weekends are full of shopping for the next week and trying to catch up on sleep.  Some might ask "Where is the passion? Where is the Fun?" I would answer they are not looking close enough.

My first year

On the eve of my anniversary I thought would try to write out how I feel about being married. I think I should start out with saying that I really had no clue about what this was going to be like.   I have had girlfriends and roommates and I lived with my mom for most of my life.  All I knew was that this would be different.

I think I have grown as a person. I think I have become more responsible.  I take time out of my day to think about different chores around the house that need to get done.  Things that I would ave taken for granted when living with my mom. (Sorry mom) While I don't have a set schedule I do load the dish washer, wash clothes, make lunches and supper way more often that I ever thought possible. It shocks me that those things would have ever entered into my mind. So big change number 1 I do housework! shocking.

While growing up, I was always amazed on how my bed looks like a tornado came through and destroyed my bed in the morning.  I always worried about my wife.  I used to think how can anyone sleep with the whirling dervish that I am.  I know, at first, I had a hard time sleeping  worrying about her safety.  But I slowly got used to it.  She hasn't complained about it and we went from a king down to a queen and still very few problems.  It is usually my sleep talking that bugs her.  My mom used to tell me about whole conversations I had with her while I slept. It is always funny to hear what my subconscious wants to talk about.

The one thing I was not ready for after saying "I do"  is all the emotions and how much further my love grows.  I thought that I loved my wife that day last year.  I thought "Man how can I love this woman any more than I do now?" Little did I know how self centered I was then. Back then I was in love with another person. We were 2 people. She did her stuff and I did mine.  When thinking about stuff I always thought "I can do this. This is what I want" It was all about the "Andy".  While I still have an 'I' to think about I catch myself asking "What shoud we do? What is best for us? We can do this. This is what we like."

I still have my own hobbies but for the most part I am thinking about the team. My love for her might not have gotten bigger but it hasgrown deeper.  my love for her has gotten to my very core. In most places she has become the first prority.  While not totally dependant on her, I am only really happy when she is. When she is bummed I get bummed. When she is happy, I live in her joy. I never thought I would ever feel this way about anyone.

My heart is not the only thing that has grown. My brain has changed.  I never thought that I would ever meet someone who thinks like I do.  It is scary sometimes when I am thinking something and she says it.  It is like there is a link between us.  I don't know if this is how it is with all couples but dang, it is weird sometimes.  Sometimes I apologize for doing something only to find out she would have done the same thing or she wanted me to do it.  We laugh about how we share this one brain.

I know there are other things that have changed but these are the ones that came to mind. Over all I can't believe it has been a year.  They say time flies when you are having fun.  Well I am having a blast.  I hope my love can continue to change and become more entwined as we embark on our next adventure.  Look out Washington! Here comes Team PDA!

I love you darling! God Bless! 

Travelling

This week I had to go back to IL to work for a few days.  It is the typical every few weeks thing I have had since I moved out to Ohio.  I have done it for a while now so you would think I would be used to the feelings that come with this traveling.  You would be wrong.

For some reason every time I leave my wife I feel sad and ashamed.  Like I am abandoning her. I leave but my heart stays and calls back to me. It whispers to me keeping me awake at night waking me up early in the morning telling me to come back home early.  So, I would long shift and finagle the times I leave and don’t stay one moment longer than I have to. 

This week is a bit different. My brothers said they wanted to get some quality time together since I am not usually around but then 2 dropped out and instead of a brother outing I went and saw a movie that was not on my list of movies to see with my mom, brother and his two daughters.  I could have slept in. I could have spent a nice day with my wife before driving to IL but no I had to get here to spend quality time with my brothers.

What really pisses me off I am in town and they aren’t even trying to make up for the cancelation.  After all the guilt and name calling they were just using me to fill out a foursome for golf.  Another pain I get to carry.

Every night I pray that God looks over my wife while I am away.  Before I fall asleep, I worry that she is mad or disappointed that I am not coming home sooner. I worry about her all the time.  I a shmuck like me got this awesome wife. Who stands by me and understands the pressures I have and does not give me one ounce of guilt over leaving her.  She is an angel.

So I need to work hard. Finish up what I have here and get on the road as fast as I can.  I want to have her in my arms as soon as possible.

I love you dear!

Growing pains

Sunday in church a wall of emotion hit me. I don't know if it was mother's day, the possibility of moving further away from home or just that I haven't talked to or heard from my family for a while.  Whatever it was it got me looking distressed enough to have my lovey wife concerned about me.

It is something that gets me a lot.  On one hand I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have someone who loves me and completes me.  With her help I have become a much better person.  I have grown more spiritually, become more adventurous, and experienced things I never thought possible.

With all that being said I have never been this far away from my family as I am now and soon I might move even further.  While I am a big boy and don't need my family I have always had them here.  So I am scared.  I miss them.  Most of the time we are busy doing stuff so I am distracted.  In church when I am centered and at peace these thoughts seam to sneak up on me.

In the end what can I do? In truth nothing.  It is just some growing pains that come along with the joy of being on my own.  It is just a little sad that I am almost 40 and I am just getting these pains.   It just shows how sheltered I was.

So now I need to get used to being away.  I should focus on our life and not worry about what I am missing back in IL.  For the most part I am.  I love being with my wife.  We have adventures together like going to help at the food pantry and going to Yellow Springs this weekend. I love our time together.  As we grow more and more I become more at ease.   These pains get smaller and smaller.

I had a small break this weekend.  We shouldn't dwell on that we should look at all the joy we had during this weekend.  The lazy Sunday was awesome.  We sat on the couch Diana worked on her interview prep while I read my book.  I love these times.  I don't know if she likes them or even knows how much this means to me but I absolutely LOVE simply just hanging out.

Whether it is playing a game, watching a movie or just her pinning and me painting we are with each other and we can share our thoughts or feelings .  We laugh at TV shows or get scared by a horror movie.  She finds a funny pin or I proudly show off my latest mini. These little things are my joy.

So while not everything is not sunshine and roses the amount of storm clouds are few and far between and everyone knows that roses need rain to grow. I will take the growing pains and use them to enjoy my time with my love more.  Look it that, here comes another bight sunshiny day!   

I love it!

This week I have come back to my home town and have been asked how I like married life. I always answer, "I love it!" I knew if I found the right person who I would want to marry I new that lafe would be good.  I never imagined just how great it would be.

My wife and I are almost always on the same page.  She is there with reminders and helpful tips when I am lacking. She is awesome and as a team we are great.  She doesn't get mad when I do silly thing and accepts my quirkiness.  Heck some times she joins in.

Through all of my life I have had friends.  People I hang out with and talk about stuff with.  Sure we have had games, hockey, books, work and miniatures to talk about but with my love I can talk about topics I have avoided all my life.  How I feel, my faith, my politics, and my dreams.   I can talk about the other stuff too with her but the fact that any topic is fair game is awesome. 

Never in my life have I had someone so in tune with me.  I hope she feels the same way.  I love her and she is everything to me.  While I am away from her, I am a bit lost.  I can't wait to get back and hold her.  To wake up and have her there next to me.  To fall asleep to her gentle breathing. 

Life is good, Thank you God.

Time away T.T

So this week I came back to IL alone to meet with some friends and then work this week.  I was not ready for the pain of separation to come back.  I find myself still longing for her and unable to really concentrate.

I miss her voice and laugh and mere presence.  When I watch TV shows they are not as enjoyable because we can't pause and talk about them.  When out eating I feel out of place because I am so used to her being with me.  Even in church I felt alone even though I was with my family.  My hand kept searching for hers.

The one thing it has taught me is that she is a crucial part of my life.  She is also a key to my happiness.  I can't wait till I get back so I can hold her again. 

I love you my Wife!

It's 2 AM..

It is 2 AM and I am wide awake.   I would compare it to Christmas eve when I was a little kid.  I am excited to be joined with the woman I love.  Tomorrow Today I start the next chapter in my life.

Gasp a new post!

I have been a bit silent on this blog.  Mainly because I used it to convey meaning or elaborate on a feeling or just to get my thoughts out.  Since I spend everyday with the love of my life and I try to keep an open line of communication the need for putting thoughts down is nearly non existent.

Saying that I think I have come to a time when I want to put something down.  This will allow me to elaborate my thoughts with out getting the silly look. this is probably silly but I will go though with it anyway.

My love and I are Wall-E and Eve.

I was watching Wall-E yesterday (what can I say I love Pixar). While watching I saw the similarities between that movie and me and my beloved.

Wall-E is a robot who is odd, curious, lonely, beaten up, shy, and messy.  He collects odd trinkets and watches his favorite movies time and time again. I find myself really connecting  to him.  I know I am odd (goofy),  I am extremely curious,  I was very lonely, I am a mess, and I am very shy when it come to new people.  I watch the same Miyazaki Movies over and over and if you have seen my desk you know I collect trinkets.  He is a perfect analogy for me.

Eve is smart, stylish, brave, serious, and very determined.  She is on a mission and goes about doing it with dedication and skill.  She also is not afraid to enjoy a moment as we see when she just flies around enjoying the open air.  This is how I see my love. She is smarter than she gives herself credit. She is stylish and she gets complements on her outfits all the time.  She also can and does complete everything she puts her mind too.  Everyday I look up to her.  She is awesome.

Some how she has fallen for this rundown  goofball who doesn't have a clue at what he is doing.  All he knows is that he loves her with all his heart.   I look forward to the next time I get to hold her hand.

T - 588 hours and counting....

Scared.....

As the big day approaches I have started to bring together all my stuff. Life has been completely busy and in many ways been flipped upside down. Just reading that I get a bad feeling about all this. What is going to happen to the old me? How will this change me? Will I still have friends? Will I still have the same hobbies? Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?

It all comes down to how I look at it. I can look at myself as a caterpillar. Before I did what I wanted how I wanted. I consumed everything. (well I was a giving caterpillar so not everything) But I acumilated stuff to make me happy but really they just sat and collected dust. I kept video games after I stopped playing them, I set toys up to admire but really just collected dust. Most I just ignored. Sure a few has places of honor and I enjoyed looking at them (looking at you toy AT-AT, Star Destroyer and Blue Dragon) But the rest meh. This caterpillar is wrapping himself into a cocoon . Time to change.

Going from single to married is a huge change. I go from thinking only of myself and my wants and needs to having a family that I have to think about. My needs and desires are pushed to the back and the family comes first. This attitude scares me. I have been trying to think of reasons to keep my old toys but to be honest there is none. I will keep a few items (still looking at you guys) and sell or give the rest away. I have been fighting this. Scared of losing myself with all of my stuff but I now see that stuff was me. It is not who I am now. Heck, it is not even who I was when I meet my Fiancée. It is who I was as a child. It is time to move on. Maybe someone else will find joy in it.

I am not going to blank slate it. I will keep the stuff I am actively using like my gaming stuff. I have thinned down what I am keeping. I got rid of most of my extra stuff. I know I will need a hobby once I am married. Everyone one in a successful marriage I know has one. One guy has computer and woodworking, another tinkers with PCs, another works on cars and flips them, all my brothers play hockey. Mine will be 40k. When we first started going out my fiancée said she liked how I had a passion for something. Though I have not had the time to play much lately I still have a love of the game. I read articles and write blog posts about it. I think it is ingrained in to who I am. Maybe this will fade over time and more armies will get sold but until then it is still a part of me. I can relax and just paint or convert or read up on new tactics. Who knows eventually I will be able to get a game in.

There was a movie called Toy Story 3. Some of you might have seen it. I feel like Andy in that story. I am moving on and I need to find a new home for my toys. Hopefully I can find a good home.

What is going to happen to the old me?
The old me is gone.
How will this change me?
I hope I will become more responsible and with a whole lot less stuff.
Will I still have friends?
I hope so. I will not see them as often since I will be 350 miles away but I hope they will still be friends. (the internet should help this)
Will I still have the same hobbies?
I won't have time for video games or 40k at the get go. I will have my movies and if everything goes as planned I will get to do some 40k while we watch TV shows.
Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?
I really hope so. I can't answer this it is up to her.

So I am scared of change. Who isn't. But I look forward to the challenge of a new life. I don't have to face it alone. I will have a partner. So bring it on....

This caterpillar is ready to fly!

Living in sin... bum bum buuuuuummmmmm!!!!!!

As the days wind down (95 days till marital bliss) things are starting to happen faster and faster. Decisions need to be made and plans have to be executed. The big question that was making both of us worry is whether or not I will have a job when I get married. We have been bless to find out that my current employer has made arrangements for me to continue to work for them remotely as long as once a month I travel back here and work in the office once a month. This is awesome. The big shadow has been lifted and I don't have to worry about being dead weight in our relationship. This also solves an issue with my mother who was afraid I would never come home after moving to Ohio.

While all this was a big weight that was lifted a new weight has been put into place. To be able to remotely work from Ohio I need to be pulled off of my current project and added to a new project. I also had to decide when I am moving. Knowing how it is going from one project to the next I wanted to get on the new project as soon as possible so when the stress of the wedding and honeymoon start coming down hard I will not have the stress of a new position as well.

This brought me to a moving date of Sept 27. This means I will be moving in with Diana two months before our wedding. We will be "living in sin" as I told by my sister-in-law. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my deacon about it. I have decided that this is the best for my sanity, for our relationship, and our situation.

First of all. If we lived in the same area I would have no problem waiting to move in together after the wedding but that is not the case. I will be moving across states. Normally, I would have to find a new job when moving that far away. I had even started to look, I had applied to a few places. My company had told me it was a long shot that I stay with the company but God was looking over us and that long shot came through. So even though I am with the same company I still have to move and get setup in my new place. It doesn't make sense for me to try to find an apartment, along with internet that I will need for work, for 2 months. Not only that it would not be financially possible. I could wait until after the wedding and honeymoon to transfer over but we have already talked about that or I can move in with my Fiancée. I think I have made the right choice.

We are not "Shacking Up" or "Testing the Waters" as some might say. This is a solution to a problem. I have given her my heart a long time ago and nothing will change my mind about getting married. We looked up getting married before the big ceremony and when we did our Pre-Cana discussions with the deacon we brought this worry up to him. He said that while the church does not condone this activity it does not hold it against us. While that is not a rubber stamp of approval it does lessen my worries about my decision.

So in 31 days my address will change as will my life forever. I am excited to start this new part of my life. I am eager to work on the new project as well. God has blessed my life more than I ever thought I deserved. I thank and praise Him every day. Soon I will start this new branch. The life of the single boy, still living with his mom, will be over and I will become the man who has a family to take care of. I am scared but I have Him to guide me and my Bijou to lean on. I am ready to take on the world! Everything is coming together better than I ever expected. Life is good. Thanks be to God!

T- 95 days and counting...

busy, busy, busy...

Yesterday I was talking to my betrothed, as usual, and she made a comment about how busy my life is. Not really thinking about it I gave a quick response that if you are doing something you like, you don't really notice the hectic pace. While this is true, it is not the complete truth. The following is a taste of my schedule.

TUE Work, Dinner with best man, talk to Bijou
WED Work, pick up furniture, get items ready for sale at bazaar, talk to Bijou
THURS Work, Take items to bazaar, price items with workers, talk to Bijou
FRI Work, get everything ready for Sat trip, talk to Bijou
SAT Drop of Kelsey at kennel, drive to indy, got to DCI
SUN Church, Drive home, pick up Kelsey, talk to Bijou

And that is just this week. If I look at it from a distance I could easily get overwhelmed so I take it one day at a time. Not one of those things could be taken off the list. They all are important to keeping my life moving forward. The Bazaar will allow me to shrink my footprint and make it easier for me to move. The furniture will make our life easier with more space to organize stuff. The DCI stuff in indy is a chance for me to enjoy my music while getting a chance to be with my love. It is also my last hurrah with my mom so this trip is important.

So you might think that maybe this is just a busy week. I would have to disagree with you though. My life tends to be a roller coaster ride with a small break every evening to recharge. I think it goes back to the days I was very alone. If I ever had some down time I started to realize how alone I was and got depressed. If I kept myself running from place to place like a busy little bee I didn't have time to worry about being alone. I worked and played myself to exhaustion and woke up and did it again the next day.

Now that I have something to slow down for I am having a hard time putting the brakes on. I try to slow down. It is hard to change a habit especially when life around me is still pushing me forward. I just got an email from a buddy that wants me to go to a concert tomorrow night and instead of just saying no I have started to try to figure out how I can fit it in. Old habits.... I hope my hectic life does not hurt my relations with my future wife. I hope that she can help me slow down and relax. All I can do is pray.

Dear God,

Help me slow down and appreciate what I have. Help me clear time so I can give myself completely to the person you have blessed me with.

Thank you, amen.

As a great man once said.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

T-116 days and counting.... we are getting closer!!

The Double edged sword...

From the day people determined that Monday was the start of the work week people have hated Mondays. For me the Monday after I get back from seeing the love of my life is really bad. For one it is the farthest day away from seeing my love. Since we live so far apart I use the weekends to travel to see her. So on these Mondays I am crashing from the joy of actually being with her. To be able to hold her in my arms and comfort her when she is sad, to be able to make a dinner for us or ease her workload (for example cut the grass/kill the spiders) gives me the warm fuzzies. I have at least a full work week till I see her again in person. Not cool. The countdown continues though, I have started to look for a job there and soon, I will be out there. The latest this will start will be on Nov 30. Until then, I will continue my journeys out there and skype with her every chance I get.


When I am out there though, I have a great time. We hang out, watch movies, make dinners, sleep in late, do chores together, help out at the church, and spend as much time as we can with each other. It is all we can do. We only have a couple of days max together so it is only natural that we seem connected at the hip. I am not saying it is necessary to fill all our time up with activities. No, I am actually a pretty relaxed guy and don't mind juts sitting on the couch watching a movie or talking about her latest magazine. What I don't have time for is my hobbies. Before I met her I was a pretty big geek. I fiddled with my PC, played games (both video and tabletop), built and painted miniatures for the table top games, and just hung out with my friends. Almost all of these I have put on a back burner to be able to spend more time with my baby. I do not regret putting these aside because I know I can pick them right back up where I left them once life has settled down.

I have not given up these thing entirely I just have suspended them until I have the free time to pursue them. The problem is my closest friends think that I have been told to put away my toys. This can't be farther from the truth. The sad thing is that the more I argue the more they are convinced otherwise. They just don't understand. My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my passions. Not once has she told me to cancel a meeting or to get rid of stuff. The current purge of my stuff is because it has been gathering dust so I thought I might as well sell or donate it so I don't have to move it across 2 states to gather more dust. I think it is a great idea. This weekend I sold off a bunch of Anime that I had to clear the layer of dust off before taking them to the store. I was very happy that I got cash for all that. Hopefully I can get some more for my old video games that I will try to get rid of next.

In the end I just need some thick skin and let the naysayers squawk. I know that once I settle down in my new life things will quiet down and I will be able to work on my hobbies. I am getting married!!!! There are more important things beside painting up some army, video games will wait till I have time to play them, and my PC can wait to be upgraded (might have to fix it soon though).

T- 117 and counting... I am so excited!!!!

Love you Bijou!

Facing more questions...

Another week has gone by and the questions keep rolling in. I have had quite a few people ask me if I was sure that marriage is what I really wanted. The come in the form like: "You have to move where? Are you sure you want to do that?" or "Wow she is sick a lot. Are you sure you want to take that on?" or "Wow, your selling all these miniatures? Are you sure this is what you want?" 

The first word out of my mouth is "Yes" without hesitation.

I guess I am just a weird duck. In my heart, you know the one I have already promised to my betrothed, I feel that it is the only answer. I have always heard that I should follow my heart. I never knew that statement had a hidden clause of "only if it is easy."

There is no guarantee that love is going to be easy. To be honest I feel that love should be a challenge. If it is too easy how can it keep your interest. Sure there are smooth times they will be plentiful but every once in a while a speed bump should come along so you can take stock in your feelings. Re-energize you love and make you realize that this is the one for you. Without these speed bumps your love becomes common place. When that happens you start to take for granted the love you need to earn.

So, when asked, "are you sure you want to move?"

I answer "Heck yea, I want to be where my life will be complete."

"Are you sure you want to take that on?"

"Of course! Taking care of the one you love is part of a relationship. Wouldn't she do the same for me?"

"Are you sure you want to sell all of your minis?"

"Completely, I am going to be moving soon and the more I sell the less I have to move. Those armies are collecting dust and wanted to sell them a long time ago. This gives me the chance and a reason to get off my butt and do it!"

Are you sure this is what you want?"

"I wish I could make clear that I know what I am getting into. I have seen good marriages and bad, I have heard the horror stories and I am not scared. I have asked God for a chance to love. I have waited a long time. I have tried a few times but never have I thought this is the one. Until now."

"The woman I fell in love with is the right fit for me. When we talk about the important stuff we see eye to eye. We have had many similar experiences. We have a lot of the same worries. That is how I know she is right for me. That is who I fell in love with. That is the person I gave my heart. That is the person I want to spend the rest of my days with. I want to be there in good and bad, sick and health, rich or poor. It is a complete package."

"I know in my heart that we will face thing together. We are not 2 people struggling with life. We will be one united force. We will laugh, cry and fight as one and it will be glorious!"

and that is how I want to answer all those doubters. >_<

until next time...

T-137 and counting.

The hate game

I hear it all the time. "Doesn't she like us? Why does she hate the family? Is she avoiding us?" I don't understand where my family get these ideas. I am the youngest of 5 kids and have gone through the marriages of all my other siblings. Not once do I remember anyone of their significant others making an effort to bond with the family. The I only remember one of them doing a lot of interaction before during and after the wedding. I think that is because she was a high school romance. All the others were later in life when everyone has a job and a life and we are all busy. If my brother and his wife don't go to church at the same time and then doesn't go to lunch with the family it is ok because they have plans. But if my Fiancée doesn't make the 6 hour trek to do the same it is because she hates us. It frustrates me.

Yes I travel to see her more than she comes here but that is the way we planned it before she even left. We talked about the travelling and it is more feasible this way. She has suggested driving here and I usually reject it because it is easier and cheaper for me to do the traveling. My car is newer, I can bring items over to help ease the move in December, I only have to worry about myself when driving (no pet to worry about), and that I rather have me make that drive then worry about her while she is driving. After I explain it they look like they understand but, then the next week comes and she is not here and the questions come back. Are their memories that short?

I also point out that she is from a small family who is generally disconnected. They don't all live in one area. They don't have get togethers. Heck, she has lived there almost 6 months in the same city as her sister and you can count the times they have seen each other on one hand. So a family that Goes to church and lunch every week, has random get togethers for birthday and stuff is a bit out of the norm for her. She is feeling left out. If no one invites her to these parties how is she supposed to plan to come to them.

Deep breath....

Given time I think that my fiancée will become just another family member as much as any of the other wives have. I have a feeling that this is not about her not fitting in to the family but me moving away from the area. After I am married (or before if I find a job sooner than expected) I will be moving away so I will not be there every Sunday to organize our lunch schedule. I will not be there to do all the little maintenance on the house. They will have to step up in my absence. They have started to notice my absence because I travel every other week. So the family lashes out to try to figure out why I would not be there. For this I am sorry. I will miss the little things like Sunday lunch or playing hockey with my brothers. But I need to live my life and follow my heart. Right now my heart lives 350 miles away. It is hard enough to live with that pain.

Hopefully one day my family will understand. One day they will see the happiness that she gives me. Until that day I will endure their opinions defend her as much as I can and when the smoke clears I will be happy because I have found my soul mate and we will be one.

God Bless..

surfing the emotional waves!

This weekend my lovely fiancee came to town for another meeting with the Deacon to make sure we are prepared for our upcoming nuptials.  The meeting went really well we had a few questions which we got some answers to and we got our witnesses out of the way. My better half's birthday is soon so I took her out to a nice restaurant.  While she was in town she and her Matron of honor went dress shopping and talked about the wedding.  They had a good time and I think more things were locked down as far as they can be.

So as you can see it was a hectic weekend all that done in less that 48 hours.  I will admit some sleep was sacrificed >_< but everything seems to be running smoothly.  That is until last night.

We were tossing ideas back and forth suggesting songs for our ceremony.  We found that songs Define Dancing and the ending credits for Up might be a great option for the opening and closing songs. While we were doing that though I suggested the song Annabella's Song by Everclear.  This song is really about a dad and his daughter but I find it fits how I feel about her almost perfectly.  Here are the lyrics:

 "Annabella's Song"

I see you roll your eyes
You know it makes me smile
You are like the sun to me
Bright as liquid fire
I feel so powerless
To hold you up above the world
You are quite a lot of trouble
Such a pretty little girl
Such a pretty little girl

You know I'm never home
I'm always miles and miles away
I feel I'm runnin' out of time
Say the things I need to say
Call you on the telephone
You will not talk to me
Yeah you just don't understand
You are my everything

Anna, Anna
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
Anna, Anna, you are never alone
You are never alone

Anna, Anna
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
Anna, Anna, you are never alone
You are never alone

I like to watch you play
When you don't know I'm there
See you in your sleep at night
Reach out and touch your hair
I wanna make this world
Be just how you want it to be
Yeah you just don't understand
You're my everything

Anna, Anna
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
Anna, Anna, you are never alone
You are never alone

 I always substitute her name in for Anna. Just re reading it now brought tears to my eyes and if you add in the everclear style and I just lose control.  Right now I am miles away.  I know she is hurting and I cannot do anything to stop it.  I want so much to take all her troubles away and "make it how she wants it to be" but I am powerless.  All I can do is pray for her and listen when we talk and try to convey that I am always thinking of her.

So last night when I heard this song I just fell apart.  All the emotions from the last few days tied in with the void I felt since she left and the feeling of the song hit me like a ton of bricks.  I often will let things through but usually I will just tear up but last night was different.  I cannot say why but it was.

There is nothing I can do about this though.  Things will stay this way until that great day when I am by her side and we are together forever.  Until then I will still shed tears. All tears go away when I am with her so the easy answer is be with her more often, ^_^

159 days and counting.  just a few more days more than 5 months.  Things are rolling now.

Giving and taking...

Since we are seperated by 350 miles, my Fiancee and I talk a lot.  Most of my evenings, you can find me sitting in front of my PC skyping with the love of my life.  We talk about the upcoming wedding,  how our days were, plans for the weekend,   and just general stuff.  I will look at the clock and see that hours have past even though it seems like only minutes.