Travelling

This week I had to go back to IL to work for a few days.  It is the typical every few weeks thing I have had since I moved out to Ohio.  I have done it for a while now so you would think I would be used to the feelings that come with this traveling.  You would be wrong.

For some reason every time I leave my wife I feel sad and ashamed.  Like I am abandoning her. I leave but my heart stays and calls back to me. It whispers to me keeping me awake at night waking me up early in the morning telling me to come back home early.  So, I would long shift and finagle the times I leave and don’t stay one moment longer than I have to. 

This week is a bit different. My brothers said they wanted to get some quality time together since I am not usually around but then 2 dropped out and instead of a brother outing I went and saw a movie that was not on my list of movies to see with my mom, brother and his two daughters.  I could have slept in. I could have spent a nice day with my wife before driving to IL but no I had to get here to spend quality time with my brothers.

What really pisses me off I am in town and they aren’t even trying to make up for the cancelation.  After all the guilt and name calling they were just using me to fill out a foursome for golf.  Another pain I get to carry.

Every night I pray that God looks over my wife while I am away.  Before I fall asleep, I worry that she is mad or disappointed that I am not coming home sooner. I worry about her all the time.  I a shmuck like me got this awesome wife. Who stands by me and understands the pressures I have and does not give me one ounce of guilt over leaving her.  She is an angel.

So I need to work hard. Finish up what I have here and get on the road as fast as I can.  I want to have her in my arms as soon as possible.

I love you dear!

Growing pains

Sunday in church a wall of emotion hit me. I don't know if it was mother's day, the possibility of moving further away from home or just that I haven't talked to or heard from my family for a while.  Whatever it was it got me looking distressed enough to have my lovey wife concerned about me.

It is something that gets me a lot.  On one hand I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have someone who loves me and completes me.  With her help I have become a much better person.  I have grown more spiritually, become more adventurous, and experienced things I never thought possible.

With all that being said I have never been this far away from my family as I am now and soon I might move even further.  While I am a big boy and don't need my family I have always had them here.  So I am scared.  I miss them.  Most of the time we are busy doing stuff so I am distracted.  In church when I am centered and at peace these thoughts seam to sneak up on me.

In the end what can I do? In truth nothing.  It is just some growing pains that come along with the joy of being on my own.  It is just a little sad that I am almost 40 and I am just getting these pains.   It just shows how sheltered I was.

So now I need to get used to being away.  I should focus on our life and not worry about what I am missing back in IL.  For the most part I am.  I love being with my wife.  We have adventures together like going to help at the food pantry and going to Yellow Springs this weekend. I love our time together.  As we grow more and more I become more at ease.   These pains get smaller and smaller.

I had a small break this weekend.  We shouldn't dwell on that we should look at all the joy we had during this weekend.  The lazy Sunday was awesome.  We sat on the couch Diana worked on her interview prep while I read my book.  I love these times.  I don't know if she likes them or even knows how much this means to me but I absolutely LOVE simply just hanging out.

Whether it is playing a game, watching a movie or just her pinning and me painting we are with each other and we can share our thoughts or feelings .  We laugh at TV shows or get scared by a horror movie.  She finds a funny pin or I proudly show off my latest mini. These little things are my joy.

So while not everything is not sunshine and roses the amount of storm clouds are few and far between and everyone knows that roses need rain to grow. I will take the growing pains and use them to enjoy my time with my love more.  Look it that, here comes another bight sunshiny day!   

I love it!

This week I have come back to my home town and have been asked how I like married life. I always answer, "I love it!" I knew if I found the right person who I would want to marry I new that lafe would be good.  I never imagined just how great it would be.

My wife and I are almost always on the same page.  She is there with reminders and helpful tips when I am lacking. She is awesome and as a team we are great.  She doesn't get mad when I do silly thing and accepts my quirkiness.  Heck some times she joins in.

Through all of my life I have had friends.  People I hang out with and talk about stuff with.  Sure we have had games, hockey, books, work and miniatures to talk about but with my love I can talk about topics I have avoided all my life.  How I feel, my faith, my politics, and my dreams.   I can talk about the other stuff too with her but the fact that any topic is fair game is awesome. 

Never in my life have I had someone so in tune with me.  I hope she feels the same way.  I love her and she is everything to me.  While I am away from her, I am a bit lost.  I can't wait to get back and hold her.  To wake up and have her there next to me.  To fall asleep to her gentle breathing. 

Life is good, Thank you God.

Time away T.T

So this week I came back to IL alone to meet with some friends and then work this week.  I was not ready for the pain of separation to come back.  I find myself still longing for her and unable to really concentrate.

I miss her voice and laugh and mere presence.  When I watch TV shows they are not as enjoyable because we can't pause and talk about them.  When out eating I feel out of place because I am so used to her being with me.  Even in church I felt alone even though I was with my family.  My hand kept searching for hers.

The one thing it has taught me is that she is a crucial part of my life.  She is also a key to my happiness.  I can't wait till I get back so I can hold her again. 

I love you my Wife!

It's 2 AM..

It is 2 AM and I am wide awake.   I would compare it to Christmas eve when I was a little kid.  I am excited to be joined with the woman I love.  Tomorrow Today I start the next chapter in my life.

Gasp a new post!

I have been a bit silent on this blog.  Mainly because I used it to convey meaning or elaborate on a feeling or just to get my thoughts out.  Since I spend everyday with the love of my life and I try to keep an open line of communication the need for putting thoughts down is nearly non existent.

Saying that I think I have come to a time when I want to put something down.  This will allow me to elaborate my thoughts with out getting the silly look. this is probably silly but I will go though with it anyway.

My love and I are Wall-E and Eve.

I was watching Wall-E yesterday (what can I say I love Pixar). While watching I saw the similarities between that movie and me and my beloved.

Wall-E is a robot who is odd, curious, lonely, beaten up, shy, and messy.  He collects odd trinkets and watches his favorite movies time and time again. I find myself really connecting  to him.  I know I am odd (goofy),  I am extremely curious,  I was very lonely, I am a mess, and I am very shy when it come to new people.  I watch the same Miyazaki Movies over and over and if you have seen my desk you know I collect trinkets.  He is a perfect analogy for me.

Eve is smart, stylish, brave, serious, and very determined.  She is on a mission and goes about doing it with dedication and skill.  She also is not afraid to enjoy a moment as we see when she just flies around enjoying the open air.  This is how I see my love. She is smarter than she gives herself credit. She is stylish and she gets complements on her outfits all the time.  She also can and does complete everything she puts her mind too.  Everyday I look up to her.  She is awesome.

Some how she has fallen for this rundown  goofball who doesn't have a clue at what he is doing.  All he knows is that he loves her with all his heart.   I look forward to the next time I get to hold her hand.

T - 588 hours and counting....

Scared.....

As the big day approaches I have started to bring together all my stuff. Life has been completely busy and in many ways been flipped upside down. Just reading that I get a bad feeling about all this. What is going to happen to the old me? How will this change me? Will I still have friends? Will I still have the same hobbies? Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?

It all comes down to how I look at it. I can look at myself as a caterpillar. Before I did what I wanted how I wanted. I consumed everything. (well I was a giving caterpillar so not everything) But I acumilated stuff to make me happy but really they just sat and collected dust. I kept video games after I stopped playing them, I set toys up to admire but really just collected dust. Most I just ignored. Sure a few has places of honor and I enjoyed looking at them (looking at you toy AT-AT, Star Destroyer and Blue Dragon) But the rest meh. This caterpillar is wrapping himself into a cocoon . Time to change.

Going from single to married is a huge change. I go from thinking only of myself and my wants and needs to having a family that I have to think about. My needs and desires are pushed to the back and the family comes first. This attitude scares me. I have been trying to think of reasons to keep my old toys but to be honest there is none. I will keep a few items (still looking at you guys) and sell or give the rest away. I have been fighting this. Scared of losing myself with all of my stuff but I now see that stuff was me. It is not who I am now. Heck, it is not even who I was when I meet my Fiancée. It is who I was as a child. It is time to move on. Maybe someone else will find joy in it.

I am not going to blank slate it. I will keep the stuff I am actively using like my gaming stuff. I have thinned down what I am keeping. I got rid of most of my extra stuff. I know I will need a hobby once I am married. Everyone one in a successful marriage I know has one. One guy has computer and woodworking, another tinkers with PCs, another works on cars and flips them, all my brothers play hockey. Mine will be 40k. When we first started going out my fiancée said she liked how I had a passion for something. Though I have not had the time to play much lately I still have a love of the game. I read articles and write blog posts about it. I think it is ingrained in to who I am. Maybe this will fade over time and more armies will get sold but until then it is still a part of me. I can relax and just paint or convert or read up on new tactics. Who knows eventually I will be able to get a game in.

There was a movie called Toy Story 3. Some of you might have seen it. I feel like Andy in that story. I am moving on and I need to find a new home for my toys. Hopefully I can find a good home.

What is going to happen to the old me?
The old me is gone.
How will this change me?
I hope I will become more responsible and with a whole lot less stuff.
Will I still have friends?
I hope so. I will not see them as often since I will be 350 miles away but I hope they will still be friends. (the internet should help this)
Will I still have the same hobbies?
I won't have time for video games or 40k at the get go. I will have my movies and if everything goes as planned I will get to do some 40k while we watch TV shows.
Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?
I really hope so. I can't answer this it is up to her.

So I am scared of change. Who isn't. But I look forward to the challenge of a new life. I don't have to face it alone. I will have a partner. So bring it on....

This caterpillar is ready to fly!