So this week I came back to IL alone to meet with some friends and then work this week. I was not ready for the pain of separation to come back. I find myself still longing for her and unable to really concentrate.
I miss her voice and laugh and mere presence. When I watch TV shows they are not as enjoyable because we can't pause and talk about them. When out eating I feel out of place because I am so used to her being with me. Even in church I felt alone even though I was with my family. My hand kept searching for hers.
The one thing it has taught me is that she is a crucial part of my life. She is also a key to my happiness. I can't wait till I get back so I can hold her again.
I love you my Wife!
Monday, January 13, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
It's 2 AM..
It is 2 AM and I am wide awake. I would compare it to Christmas eve when I was a little kid. I am excited to be joined with the woman I love.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Gasp a new post!
I have been a bit silent on this blog. Mainly because I used it to convey meaning or elaborate on a feeling or just to get my thoughts out. Since I spend everyday with the love of my life and I try to keep an open line of communication the need for putting thoughts down is nearly non existent.
Saying that I think I have come to a time when I want to put something down. This will allow me to elaborate my thoughts with out getting the silly look. this is probably silly but I will go though with it anyway.
My love and I are Wall-E and Eve.
I was watching Wall-E yesterday (what can I say I love Pixar). While watching I saw the similarities between that movie and me and my beloved.
Wall-E is a robot who is odd, curious, lonely, beaten up, shy, and messy. He collects odd trinkets and watches his favorite movies time and time again. I find myself really connecting to him. I know I am odd (goofy), I am extremely curious, I was very lonely, I am a mess, and I am very shy when it come to new people. I watch the same Miyazaki Movies over and over and if you have seen my desk you know I collect trinkets. He is a perfect analogy for me.
Eve is smart, stylish, brave, serious, and very determined. She is on a mission and goes about doing it with dedication and skill. She also is not afraid to enjoy a moment as we see when she just flies around enjoying the open air. This is how I see my love. She is smarter than she gives herself credit. She is stylish and she gets complements on her outfits all the time. She also can and does complete everything she puts her mind too. Everyday I look up to her. She is awesome.
Some how she has fallen for this rundown goofball who doesn't have a clue at what he is doing. All he knows is that he loves her with all his heart. I look forward to the next time I get to hold her hand.
T - 588 hours and counting....
Saying that I think I have come to a time when I want to put something down. This will allow me to elaborate my thoughts with out getting the silly look. this is probably silly but I will go though with it anyway.
My love and I are Wall-E and Eve.
I was watching Wall-E yesterday (what can I say I love Pixar). While watching I saw the similarities between that movie and me and my beloved.
Wall-E is a robot who is odd, curious, lonely, beaten up, shy, and messy. He collects odd trinkets and watches his favorite movies time and time again. I find myself really connecting to him. I know I am odd (goofy), I am extremely curious, I was very lonely, I am a mess, and I am very shy when it come to new people. I watch the same Miyazaki Movies over and over and if you have seen my desk you know I collect trinkets. He is a perfect analogy for me.
Eve is smart, stylish, brave, serious, and very determined. She is on a mission and goes about doing it with dedication and skill. She also is not afraid to enjoy a moment as we see when she just flies around enjoying the open air. This is how I see my love. She is smarter than she gives herself credit. She is stylish and she gets complements on her outfits all the time. She also can and does complete everything she puts her mind too. Everyday I look up to her. She is awesome.
Some how she has fallen for this rundown goofball who doesn't have a clue at what he is doing. All he knows is that he loves her with all his heart. I look forward to the next time I get to hold her hand.
T - 588 hours and counting....
Monday, September 9, 2013
Scared.....
As the big day approaches I have started to bring together all my stuff. Life has been completely busy and in many ways been flipped upside down. Just reading that I get a bad feeling about all this. What is going to happen to the old me? How will this change me? Will I still have friends? Will I still have the same hobbies? Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?
It all comes down to how I look at it. I can look at myself as a caterpillar. Before I did what I wanted how I wanted. I consumed everything. (well I was a giving caterpillar so not everything) But I acumilated stuff to make me happy but really they just sat and collected dust. I kept video games after I stopped playing them, I set toys up to admire but really just collected dust. Most I just ignored. Sure a few has places of honor and I enjoyed looking at them (looking at you toy AT-AT, Star Destroyer and Blue Dragon) But the rest meh. This caterpillar is wrapping himself into a cocoon . Time to change.
Going from single to married is a huge change. I go from thinking only of myself and my wants and needs to having a family that I have to think about. My needs and desires are pushed to the back and the family comes first. This attitude scares me. I have been trying to think of reasons to keep my old toys but to be honest there is none. I will keep a few items (still looking at you guys) and sell or give the rest away. I have been fighting this. Scared of losing myself with all of my stuff but I now see that stuff was me. It is not who I am now. Heck, it is not even who I was when I meet my Fiancée. It is who I was as a child. It is time to move on. Maybe someone else will find joy in it.
I am not going to blank slate it. I will keep the stuff I am actively using like my gaming stuff. I have thinned down what I am keeping. I got rid of most of my extra stuff. I know I will need a hobby once I am married. Everyone one in a successful marriage I know has one. One guy has computer and woodworking, another tinkers with PCs, another works on cars and flips them, all my brothers play hockey. Mine will be 40k. When we first started going out my fiancée said she liked how I had a passion for something. Though I have not had the time to play much lately I still have a love of the game. I read articles and write blog posts about it. I think it is ingrained in to who I am. Maybe this will fade over time and more armies will get sold but until then it is still a part of me. I can relax and just paint or convert or read up on new tactics. Who knows eventually I will be able to get a game in.
There was a movie called Toy Story 3. Some of you might have seen it. I feel like Andy in that story. I am moving on and I need to find a new home for my toys. Hopefully I can find a good home.
What is going to happen to the old me?
The old me is gone.
How will this change me?
I hope I will become more responsible and with a whole lot less stuff.
Will I still have friends?
I hope so. I will not see them as often since I will be 350 miles away but I hope they will still be friends. (the internet should help this)
Will I still have the same hobbies?
I won't have time for video games or 40k at the get go. I will have my movies and if everything goes as planned I will get to do some 40k while we watch TV shows.
Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?
I really hope so. I can't answer this it is up to her.
So I am scared of change. Who isn't. But I look forward to the challenge of a new life. I don't have to face it alone. I will have a partner. So bring it on....
This caterpillar is ready to fly!
It all comes down to how I look at it. I can look at myself as a caterpillar. Before I did what I wanted how I wanted. I consumed everything. (well I was a giving caterpillar so not everything) But I acumilated stuff to make me happy but really they just sat and collected dust. I kept video games after I stopped playing them, I set toys up to admire but really just collected dust. Most I just ignored. Sure a few has places of honor and I enjoyed looking at them (looking at you toy AT-AT, Star Destroyer and Blue Dragon) But the rest meh. This caterpillar is wrapping himself into a cocoon . Time to change.
Going from single to married is a huge change. I go from thinking only of myself and my wants and needs to having a family that I have to think about. My needs and desires are pushed to the back and the family comes first. This attitude scares me. I have been trying to think of reasons to keep my old toys but to be honest there is none. I will keep a few items (still looking at you guys) and sell or give the rest away. I have been fighting this. Scared of losing myself with all of my stuff but I now see that stuff was me. It is not who I am now. Heck, it is not even who I was when I meet my Fiancée. It is who I was as a child. It is time to move on. Maybe someone else will find joy in it.
I am not going to blank slate it. I will keep the stuff I am actively using like my gaming stuff. I have thinned down what I am keeping. I got rid of most of my extra stuff. I know I will need a hobby once I am married. Everyone one in a successful marriage I know has one. One guy has computer and woodworking, another tinkers with PCs, another works on cars and flips them, all my brothers play hockey. Mine will be 40k. When we first started going out my fiancée said she liked how I had a passion for something. Though I have not had the time to play much lately I still have a love of the game. I read articles and write blog posts about it. I think it is ingrained in to who I am. Maybe this will fade over time and more armies will get sold but until then it is still a part of me. I can relax and just paint or convert or read up on new tactics. Who knows eventually I will be able to get a game in.
There was a movie called Toy Story 3. Some of you might have seen it. I feel like Andy in that story. I am moving on and I need to find a new home for my toys. Hopefully I can find a good home.
What is going to happen to the old me?
The old me is gone.
How will this change me?
I hope I will become more responsible and with a whole lot less stuff.
Will I still have friends?
I hope so. I will not see them as often since I will be 350 miles away but I hope they will still be friends. (the internet should help this)
Will I still have the same hobbies?
I won't have time for video games or 40k at the get go. I will have my movies and if everything goes as planned I will get to do some 40k while we watch TV shows.
Will I be so different from the man I was when we met that she will still be attracted to me?
I really hope so. I can't answer this it is up to her.
So I am scared of change. Who isn't. But I look forward to the challenge of a new life. I don't have to face it alone. I will have a partner. So bring it on....
This caterpillar is ready to fly!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Living in sin... bum bum buuuuuummmmmm!!!!!!
As the days wind down (95 days till marital bliss) things are starting to happen faster and faster. Decisions need to be made and plans have to be executed. The big question that was making both of us worry is whether or not I will have a job when I get married. We have been bless to find out that my current employer has made arrangements for me to continue to work for them remotely as long as once a month I travel back here and work in the office once a month. This is awesome. The big shadow has been lifted and I don't have to worry about being dead weight in our relationship. This also solves an issue with my mother who was afraid I would never come home after moving to Ohio.
While all this was a big weight that was lifted a new weight has been put into place. To be able to remotely work from Ohio I need to be pulled off of my current project and added to a new project. I also had to decide when I am moving. Knowing how it is going from one project to the next I wanted to get on the new project as soon as possible so when the stress of the wedding and honeymoon start coming down hard I will not have the stress of a new position as well.
This brought me to a moving date of Sept 27. This means I will be moving in with Diana two months before our wedding. We will be "living in sin" as I told by my sister-in-law. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my deacon about it. I have decided that this is the best for my sanity, for our relationship, and our situation.
First of all. If we lived in the same area I would have no problem waiting to move in together after the wedding but that is not the case. I will be moving across states. Normally, I would have to find a new job when moving that far away. I had even started to look, I had applied to a few places. My company had told me it was a long shot that I stay with the company but God was looking over us and that long shot came through. So even though I am with the same company I still have to move and get setup in my new place. It doesn't make sense for me to try to find an apartment, along with internet that I will need for work, for 2 months. Not only that it would not be financially possible. I could wait until after the wedding and honeymoon to transfer over but we have already talked about that or I can move in with my Fiancée. I think I have made the right choice.
We are not "Shacking Up" or "Testing the Waters" as some might say. This is a solution to a problem. I have given her my heart a long time ago and nothing will change my mind about getting married. We looked up getting married before the big ceremony and when we did our Pre-Cana discussions with the deacon we brought this worry up to him. He said that while the church does not condone this activity it does not hold it against us. While that is not a rubber stamp of approval it does lessen my worries about my decision.
So in 31 days my address will change as will my life forever. I am excited to start this new part of my life. I am eager to work on the new project as well. God has blessed my life more than I ever thought I deserved. I thank and praise Him every day. Soon I will start this new branch. The life of the single boy, still living with his mom, will be over and I will become the man who has a family to take care of. I am scared but I have Him to guide me and my Bijou to lean on. I am ready to take on the world! Everything is coming together better than I ever expected. Life is good. Thanks be to God!
T- 95 days and counting...
While all this was a big weight that was lifted a new weight has been put into place. To be able to remotely work from Ohio I need to be pulled off of my current project and added to a new project. I also had to decide when I am moving. Knowing how it is going from one project to the next I wanted to get on the new project as soon as possible so when the stress of the wedding and honeymoon start coming down hard I will not have the stress of a new position as well.
This brought me to a moving date of Sept 27. This means I will be moving in with Diana two months before our wedding. We will be "living in sin" as I told by my sister-in-law. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my deacon about it. I have decided that this is the best for my sanity, for our relationship, and our situation.
First of all. If we lived in the same area I would have no problem waiting to move in together after the wedding but that is not the case. I will be moving across states. Normally, I would have to find a new job when moving that far away. I had even started to look, I had applied to a few places. My company had told me it was a long shot that I stay with the company but God was looking over us and that long shot came through. So even though I am with the same company I still have to move and get setup in my new place. It doesn't make sense for me to try to find an apartment, along with internet that I will need for work, for 2 months. Not only that it would not be financially possible. I could wait until after the wedding and honeymoon to transfer over but we have already talked about that or I can move in with my Fiancée. I think I have made the right choice.
We are not "Shacking Up" or "Testing the Waters" as some might say. This is a solution to a problem. I have given her my heart a long time ago and nothing will change my mind about getting married. We looked up getting married before the big ceremony and when we did our Pre-Cana discussions with the deacon we brought this worry up to him. He said that while the church does not condone this activity it does not hold it against us. While that is not a rubber stamp of approval it does lessen my worries about my decision.
So in 31 days my address will change as will my life forever. I am excited to start this new part of my life. I am eager to work on the new project as well. God has blessed my life more than I ever thought I deserved. I thank and praise Him every day. Soon I will start this new branch. The life of the single boy, still living with his mom, will be over and I will become the man who has a family to take care of. I am scared but I have Him to guide me and my Bijou to lean on. I am ready to take on the world! Everything is coming together better than I ever expected. Life is good. Thanks be to God!
T- 95 days and counting...
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
busy, busy, busy...
Yesterday I was talking to my betrothed, as usual, and she made a comment about how busy my life is. Not really thinking about it I gave a quick response that if you are doing something you like, you don't really notice the hectic pace. While this is true, it is not the complete truth. The following is a taste of my schedule.
TUE Work, Dinner with best man, talk to Bijou
WED Work, pick up furniture, get items ready for sale at bazaar, talk to Bijou
THURS Work, Take items to bazaar, price items with workers, talk to Bijou
FRI Work, get everything ready for Sat trip, talk to Bijou
SAT Drop of Kelsey at kennel, drive to indy, got to DCI
SUN Church, Drive home, pick up Kelsey, talk to Bijou
And that is just this week. If I look at it from a distance I could easily get overwhelmed so I take it one day at a time. Not one of those things could be taken off the list. They all are important to keeping my life moving forward. The Bazaar will allow me to shrink my footprint and make it easier for me to move. The furniture will make our life easier with more space to organize stuff. The DCI stuff in indy is a chance for me to enjoy my music while getting a chance to be with my love. It is also my last hurrah with my mom so this trip is important.
So you might think that maybe this is just a busy week. I would have to disagree with you though. My life tends to be a roller coaster ride with a small break every evening to recharge. I think it goes back to the days I was very alone. If I ever had some down time I started to realize how alone I was and got depressed. If I kept myself running from place to place like a busy little bee I didn't have time to worry about being alone. I worked and played myself to exhaustion and woke up and did it again the next day.
Now that I have something to slow down for I am having a hard time putting the brakes on. I try to slow down. It is hard to change a habit especially when life around me is still pushing me forward. I just got an email from a buddy that wants me to go to a concert tomorrow night and instead of just saying no I have started to try to figure out how I can fit it in. Old habits.... I hope my hectic life does not hurt my relations with my future wife. I hope that she can help me slow down and relax. All I can do is pray.
Dear God,
Help me slow down and appreciate what I have. Help me clear time so I can give myself completely to the person you have blessed me with.
Thank you, amen.
As a great man once said.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
T-116 days and counting.... we are getting closer!!
TUE Work, Dinner with best man, talk to Bijou
WED Work, pick up furniture, get items ready for sale at bazaar, talk to Bijou
THURS Work, Take items to bazaar, price items with workers, talk to Bijou
FRI Work, get everything ready for Sat trip, talk to Bijou
SAT Drop of Kelsey at kennel, drive to indy, got to DCI
SUN Church, Drive home, pick up Kelsey, talk to Bijou
And that is just this week. If I look at it from a distance I could easily get overwhelmed so I take it one day at a time. Not one of those things could be taken off the list. They all are important to keeping my life moving forward. The Bazaar will allow me to shrink my footprint and make it easier for me to move. The furniture will make our life easier with more space to organize stuff. The DCI stuff in indy is a chance for me to enjoy my music while getting a chance to be with my love. It is also my last hurrah with my mom so this trip is important.
So you might think that maybe this is just a busy week. I would have to disagree with you though. My life tends to be a roller coaster ride with a small break every evening to recharge. I think it goes back to the days I was very alone. If I ever had some down time I started to realize how alone I was and got depressed. If I kept myself running from place to place like a busy little bee I didn't have time to worry about being alone. I worked and played myself to exhaustion and woke up and did it again the next day.
Now that I have something to slow down for I am having a hard time putting the brakes on. I try to slow down. It is hard to change a habit especially when life around me is still pushing me forward. I just got an email from a buddy that wants me to go to a concert tomorrow night and instead of just saying no I have started to try to figure out how I can fit it in. Old habits.... I hope my hectic life does not hurt my relations with my future wife. I hope that she can help me slow down and relax. All I can do is pray.
Dear God,
Help me slow down and appreciate what I have. Help me clear time so I can give myself completely to the person you have blessed me with.
Thank you, amen.
As a great man once said.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
T-116 days and counting.... we are getting closer!!
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Double edged sword...
From the day people determined that Monday was the start of the work week people have hated Mondays. For me the Monday after I get back from seeing the love of my life is really bad. For one it is the farthest day away from seeing my love. Since we live so far apart I use the weekends to travel to see her. So on these Mondays I am crashing from the joy of actually being with her. To be able to hold her in my arms and comfort her when she is sad, to be able to make a dinner for us or ease her workload (for example cut the grass/kill the spiders) gives me the warm fuzzies. I have at least a full work week till I see her again in person. Not cool. The countdown continues though, I have started to look for a job there and soon, I will be out there. The latest this will start will be on Nov 30. Until then, I will continue my journeys out there and skype with her every chance I get.
When I am out there though, I have a great time. We hang out, watch movies, make dinners, sleep in late, do chores together, help out at the church, and spend as much time as we can with each other. It is all we can do. We only have a couple of days max together so it is only natural that we seem connected at the hip. I am not saying it is necessary to fill all our time up with activities. No, I am actually a pretty relaxed guy and don't mind juts sitting on the couch watching a movie or talking about her latest magazine. What I don't have time for is my hobbies. Before I met her I was a pretty big geek. I fiddled with my PC, played games (both video and tabletop), built and painted miniatures for the table top games, and just hung out with my friends. Almost all of these I have put on a back burner to be able to spend more time with my baby. I do not regret putting these aside because I know I can pick them right back up where I left them once life has settled down.
I have not given up these thing entirely I just have suspended them until I have the free time to pursue them. The problem is my closest friends think that I have been told to put away my toys. This can't be farther from the truth. The sad thing is that the more I argue the more they are convinced otherwise. They just don't understand. My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my passions. Not once has she told me to cancel a meeting or to get rid of stuff. The current purge of my stuff is because it has been gathering dust so I thought I might as well sell or donate it so I don't have to move it across 2 states to gather more dust. I think it is a great idea. This weekend I sold off a bunch of Anime that I had to clear the layer of dust off before taking them to the store. I was very happy that I got cash for all that. Hopefully I can get some more for my old video games that I will try to get rid of next.
In the end I just need some thick skin and let the naysayers squawk. I know that once I settle down in my new life things will quiet down and I will be able to work on my hobbies. I am getting married!!!! There are more important things beside painting up some army, video games will wait till I have time to play them, and my PC can wait to be upgraded (might have to fix it soon though).
T- 117 and counting... I am so excited!!!!
Love you Bijou!
When I am out there though, I have a great time. We hang out, watch movies, make dinners, sleep in late, do chores together, help out at the church, and spend as much time as we can with each other. It is all we can do. We only have a couple of days max together so it is only natural that we seem connected at the hip. I am not saying it is necessary to fill all our time up with activities. No, I am actually a pretty relaxed guy and don't mind juts sitting on the couch watching a movie or talking about her latest magazine. What I don't have time for is my hobbies. Before I met her I was a pretty big geek. I fiddled with my PC, played games (both video and tabletop), built and painted miniatures for the table top games, and just hung out with my friends. Almost all of these I have put on a back burner to be able to spend more time with my baby. I do not regret putting these aside because I know I can pick them right back up where I left them once life has settled down.
I have not given up these thing entirely I just have suspended them until I have the free time to pursue them. The problem is my closest friends think that I have been told to put away my toys. This can't be farther from the truth. The sad thing is that the more I argue the more they are convinced otherwise. They just don't understand. My fiancée has been nothing but supportive of my passions. Not once has she told me to cancel a meeting or to get rid of stuff. The current purge of my stuff is because it has been gathering dust so I thought I might as well sell or donate it so I don't have to move it across 2 states to gather more dust. I think it is a great idea. This weekend I sold off a bunch of Anime that I had to clear the layer of dust off before taking them to the store. I was very happy that I got cash for all that. Hopefully I can get some more for my old video games that I will try to get rid of next.
In the end I just need some thick skin and let the naysayers squawk. I know that once I settle down in my new life things will quiet down and I will be able to work on my hobbies. I am getting married!!!! There are more important things beside painting up some army, video games will wait till I have time to play them, and my PC can wait to be upgraded (might have to fix it soon though).
T- 117 and counting... I am so excited!!!!
Love you Bijou!
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